Whether you’re in the boardroom or the coffee shop, the art of conversation is your key to opening doors. Making a good first impression opens the door to new friendships, romantic connections, and even professional opportunities. Social attachments are vital to our well-being. The impressions we leave on new friends during our initial conversations can be greatly influenced by how much time we spend speaking instead of listening.
In 2023, a study that was published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin revealed two psychological effects that contribute to people’s conversational misjudgments: “the reticence bias” and “the halo ignorance effect.” The study also revealed that during their first interactions, people frequently underestimate the perfect balance between speaking and listening.
According to the study, here’s one good reason why we undervalue the proper amount of speaking time in a conversation.
The reticence bias
Are you one of those people who feel like you talk too much? According to new research, it’s a common misconception that excessive talking will make us unpopular with others, but that’s not always the case.
Whether you’re on a first date, striking up a discussion with a new coworker in the break room, or hitting off a conversation at a social gathering, starting up a conversation with someone new can be quite anxiety-provoking. Navigating social encounters with strangers can be fraught with uncertainty, and it can be challenging to gauge how others perceive us, particularly in the early stages of a new relationship.
There are moments when conversations flow naturally and you make friends easily. At other times, you could find yourself at a loss for words to keep the conversation flowing. However, it appears that some of our preconceived notions about how to approach a stranger are inaccurate. Not only do we frequently assume that people think less of us and like us less after we speak with them than they actually do, but we also commonly make false assumptions about how to effectively win people over during a conversation.
Recent research from Hirschi and colleagues’ in 2022 indicates that people have a reticence bias. The inclination to hold back or be reluctant to communicate one’s thoughts, feelings, or opinions is known as the reticence bias.
This tendency is most evident when one fears social repercussions or predicts unfavourable outcomes. This prejudice frequently causes people to self-censor or keep quiet even when they could make a significant contribution to a discussion or offer insightful commentary.
If we want to be liked, we should listen more than we speak, and if we want others to find us interesting, we should speak more than we listen. We don’t think it’s appropriate to dominate conversations.
We believe an equal split is appropriate if the aim is to enjoy the conversation. This is untrue, nevertheless, in actuality. The researchers looked at people’s opinions regarding the appropriate amount of conversation to have with strangers in three different experiments. Subsequently, they paired up strangers in the lab and asked them to engage in genuine discussion. A 30/70, 40/60, or 50/50 time split was given to each couple.
And the results?
The contrary was true, despite people’s predictions that they would be liked more if they spoke less. Individuals who spoke more were liked by others, with a peak liking of between 50% and 60%. In keeping with the halo effect, which states that we tend to construct generalised opinions about people, liking, interest, and enjoyment also tend to go hand in hand.
Reticence bias is typically caused by a lack of confidence in one’s ability to have a conversation, which is frequently linked to social anxiety. Furthermore, people frequently underestimate their social skills because they don’t have many opportunities to get feedback from their conversation partners on how well they performed or left an impression. As a result, there is a noticeable “liking gap” between how people think they are likeable and how new acquaintances actually see them.
Ask more questions if you want to be popular
On the other hand, evidence indicates that likability is greatly influenced by meaningful questions asked during conversations. It is important to be attentive and receptive to people during conversations, as evidenced by the fact that participants who asked more questions were consistently liked more than those who asked fewer. Those who talk more are also thought to be less dull.
There you have it—the therapist’s guide to winning hearts in conversations. So, the next time you find yourself in a conversation, remember the psychologist’s advice – listen actively, sprinkle a bit of positivity, and watch as the likability factor takes centre stage in your social and professional endeavours.
(Tashia Bernardus)